My BF (35M) and I (35F) met 3 years ago and were almost instantly, madly in love. We had a great 6 months where he was all the usual things.
Lockdown relaxed more and suddenly he’d almost always be in the pub if not with me. He started a new (high stress, high risk) job and I got quickly de-prioritised as the pub was closer to him than my apartment. With my discontent growing he asked me to move in with him as a gesture of his commitment, but his pub visits quickly escalated and any free time at home was napping to go back out to the pub a second time, or just passing out. Conversations were had, justifications were made… But in August 2022, I hit catastrophic burnout due to a number of factors, and he was no where to be seen. I found him passed out on the flooring after a night of drinking and took his phone - found out he blamed me for his unhappiness and his friends were encouraging him to go after a co-worker instead.
We separated for a while. He took a number of steps to address his behaviour, reduced drinking, got a new job, sought help for his mental health etc. and we reconciled a few months later. I have been much more open about my feelings, needs, and expectations. But now once again, he doesn’t feel present in our relationship at all. I have given him as much time, space, compassion and love as I can, but I’ve become emotionally spent and it’s [finally] become clear I cannot rely on this person to support me.
I’ve initiated a number of conversations about this in the last couple of months. I’ve recommended ways we can work on our relationship, and I’ve been supportive of his intentions to try new things to reduce his reliance on alcohol (he’s not actually pursued any of these yet). I’ve also questioned whether this relationship is right for him (he insists so). But… He’s stopped his medication, he again frequently heads to the pub straight after work, and there is no intimacy or desire at all.
This week I told him I’d started to mourn our relationship (I’d explained this to him previously and that mourning usually is the point of no return). He didn’t say anything for a while, and eventually I had to prompt him to get ready for work. We haven’t spoken about it since, as he’s having an extremely miserable time at work right now, there’s a bunch of awful family stuff happening, and I don’t know how to bring it up without mentally overwhelming him.
The breakup will bring extreme financial hardship to both of us (I can afford rent alone, but barely). I’m also concerned he’ll escalate his drinking again, or that he’ll hurt himself (unintentionally through the drink). He’s been insistent through our conversations that he loves me and that I am enough. I feel like I’m trying to shield and protect him from further mental anguish even now, even while I cry myself to sleep at night when the loneliness consumes me. I’m still here coddling him while I break apart.
How do I do this? How can I find the ‘right’ time? I’m terrified and heart broken.
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Some things to note: I’m also having an awful time at work, I do 80% of the domestic labour, and I am chronically ill. I’ve been in therapy since January to unpick my belief that the happiness of others always supercedes my own. I’m in pain and I see him in distress and don’t know how to balance “everyone deserves love and support when they are struggling” with “you have not supported me and I cannot dedicate any further time and energy on you”, because to me the latter seems transactional (again, trying to undo this!). I’m just so tired.
It sounds like you’ve made the decision to leave. Can you call his parents and/or friends and share that your concern that he’s going to hurt himself? I would make all of your arrangements to leave and then make the call(s). If he is making threats to hurt himself, I would go ahead and call emergency services.
Just to clarify, I don’t believe he would threaten to hurt himself (in a “I’ll kill myself I’m so sad” sort of way). I think he’d unintentionally hurt himself via alcohol.
His family are very conservatively minded when it comes to mental health, very much “suck it up” and “it’s your own fault” and essentially “we don’t talk about our emotions because that’s uncomfortable”. Being subject to this attitude has very much resulted in the person he is now (which breaks my heart, but it was the same for me tbf). There’s also issues there in general right now, and they don’t have the capacity to support him.
I can hope his friends make an effort this time to support him, but I’m not optimistic. I can’t reach out to them, and anyway they’re of the opinion that he doesn’t have an issue (because they don’t see it). They’ll enable him as much as I already do.
It sounds like the best you can do is reach out and encourage the people around him to keep an eye out. They may continue to enable him, but there’s often a point in which even fellow addicts can see that someone is really suffering and needs help. You’ve also mentioned that you separated before, and he cleaned up, so that just might be the case again.
Maybe you two really do need to separate permanently so that both of you can grow. Regardless, do what you can to help him, but your primary focus should be on your needs. Definitely talk through this with your therapist as well.