I’m barely getting by. Too burnt and overwhelmed out to do things that make living feel more worth it, or to get on top of the backlog that’s dragging me down. I’ve just been in survival mode for too long, and I feel like I’ve forgotten how to live — how to be me. I desperately need some aims that can give me a sense of forward momentum and act as a thread that connects different days, but my capacity is so low that even the basics of daily living are too ambitious for me to reliably do right now.

I’ve got a long history of struggling with suicidal ideation and I do worry that some day, I’ll just break and won’t be able to stop myself from making an attempt. In the past, when I have struggled and made attempts on my life, it was because I chose to stop being alive. This feels different because even when I’m at my lowest, I do desperately want to live, but I feel like it isn’t my choice. Either I will or won’t be enough, and to some extent, all I can do is wait and see. That limbo is what’s getting to me though; it’s why goals are good for me — they keep me focussed on where I want to be heading and this grounds me.

In terms of how people could help, I don’t think they’re is anything, besides continuing to be the lovely people y’all are. The world is grim, but I’m actually in a pretty healthy place re: social media usage — the people here remind me of the power of human connection. Anyone reading this doesn’t need to direct me to mental health resources, because I have actually started receiving support on that front. It’s just that unpicking a heckton of trauma and rebuilding a life from scratch is a lot of pressure; it’s hard to feel like life itself isn’t just saying “git gud, scrub”, when the ordeal of getting on top of everything is so arduous.