tl;dr: analyze other peoples personalities to see what you notice and care about in a personality, then ask people who know you well to score you and compare the results with your own self-score. This shows you how people actually see you and how far that is from your self perception. Then you can look at the degree to which that’s a result of masking and see what your mask actually covers. Going forward, when you notice thoughts or impulses that don’t fit with others’ impression of you, you can make a conscious choice about whether to embrace them or not.
My therapist told me to make a list of things that make up a personality in others, because I couldn’t figure out what my personality was, though other people assured me, I had one. I looked at coworkers to make the list, because my coworkers are all wildly different from each other, but you could also do it with fictional characters or your family or friends.
My list is roughly as follows:
Optimism
Honesty
Helpfulness (whether you’re willing to go out of your way, lose face, or give something up for others)
Chillness (how much do you work yourself up unnecessarily, basically. Do you go with the flow or worry about things and/or let them eat at you)
Jokiness
Reaction to authority
Bravery
Thoughtfulness/curiosity(do they think about the things they and others do and form theories as to why or do they leave emotions and motives unexplored
Then, I asked my sister, my best friend, and my husband to put me on a 1-5 scale for each of those categories and did it for myself, so I could compare them.
Be aware: people who love you love your personality and it might be very overwhelming or otherwise difficult for you to accept a bunch of good things about yourself.
My husband said the closest fictional analog he could find was a mix of Kes and Lwaxanna Troi from Star Trek and Amy Santiago from Brooklyn 99, which made me cry and feels like I’m bragging. I thought of myself as unempathetic, impatient, and disorganized, so it was also difficult to accept. I also think of myself as really chill and relaxed, but alas, nobody around me does.
My therapist pointed out that only I get to see my inner thoughts, so I get a “sausage-getting-made” perspective of myself, whereas others get the finished product. It’s kind of the inverse of the fallacy (I cannot for the life of me search for the right combination of words to name this) where you attribute your own lateness to traffic or an unpredictable laundry issue or something out of your control, but when others are late, you think it’s because they dropped the ball.
I’m now realizing that this is maybe not actually breaking down the mask, but recognizing (and to a degree, appreciating) it. I do think there’s a difference between a mask and a normal politeness filter though, and I also think those people have seen behind my mask enough during meltdowns etc. to know who I am regardless.
That’s a good one. I think my categories are not the most succinct (but they work for me), and that would be partially covered by chillness, optimism, and bravery, but not entirely. I don’t know if I can observe the locus of control in coworkers especially well, but I’ll definitely be thinking about it on my next shift.
I think mine is external, but I also think there’s no point in doing anything if one thinks that, so I pretend it’s not. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it feels like: even if I can’t really make a difference in how things go, I have to try. If I don’t, it feels like surrendering to entropy, which is going to happen at some point (death), but I should at least put up a good fight first.
Seems like you just need to find the right people then, because I’m certain that there are tons who would love to discuss that shit with you all night.
You know it really bothers me that Train obsession is such a hallmark trait of Autism because I was (and still am a little bit) completely obsessed with trains. I had a model train layout, I had train wallpaper, I asked for train things for my birthday, all I ever talked about was all train all the time and not one single adult was ever like “hey maybe this kid who is struggling in school and has no friends and is obsessed with trains is a bit on the spectrum?”.
I turned out more or less fine but I often wonder how much pain and suffering could have been avoided, or at least contextualized, if even one adult in my life was like, “hey wait this isn’t normal for a 10 year old”.
Trains are fuckin awesome man, and I don’t know why, but goddamn do I love watching them, and hearing them and riding them.
Edit: also I am down for your dissertation on black holes, but I get to talk at you about terrible music and all the production with WAT too much enthusiasm.
Anyone who wants this kind of combo should read Peter Hamilton’s Commonwealth Saga (Pandora’s Star and Judas Unchained). Literally a society built around a train network connected with wormholes between planets.
But then I have to spend several hours the next morning certain that everyone I know thinks I’m tiresome or a bad person and unable to even reach out to get confirmation that that’s not the case. With a headache.
RSD, executive dysfunction, and an inability to read the room while drunk go brrrr
Oh, this perception has never been based on reality in any way, but each time my brain says that this time I’ve finally done it. My weirdo friends are lovely and value me as a friend, but I always think it’s only a matter of time until I finally drive them off with my wretchedness, when I drank the night before.
Normally I’m not the most confident person ever, but I’m relatively self-assured and secure in my friendships. Luckily, I don’t get drunk often.
I don’t remember how to unmask. 😶
Sorry for the hyperfocus rant.
tl;dr: analyze other peoples personalities to see what you notice and care about in a personality, then ask people who know you well to score you and compare the results with your own self-score. This shows you how people actually see you and how far that is from your self perception. Then you can look at the degree to which that’s a result of masking and see what your mask actually covers. Going forward, when you notice thoughts or impulses that don’t fit with others’ impression of you, you can make a conscious choice about whether to embrace them or not.
My therapist told me to make a list of things that make up a personality in others, because I couldn’t figure out what my personality was, though other people assured me, I had one. I looked at coworkers to make the list, because my coworkers are all wildly different from each other, but you could also do it with fictional characters or your family or friends.
My list is roughly as follows:
Optimism
Honesty
Helpfulness (whether you’re willing to go out of your way, lose face, or give something up for others)
Chillness (how much do you work yourself up unnecessarily, basically. Do you go with the flow or worry about things and/or let them eat at you)
Jokiness
Reaction to authority
Bravery
Thoughtfulness/curiosity(do they think about the things they and others do and form theories as to why or do they leave emotions and motives unexplored
Then, I asked my sister, my best friend, and my husband to put me on a 1-5 scale for each of those categories and did it for myself, so I could compare them.
Be aware: people who love you love your personality and it might be very overwhelming or otherwise difficult for you to accept a bunch of good things about yourself.
My husband said the closest fictional analog he could find was a mix of Kes and Lwaxanna Troi from Star Trek and Amy Santiago from Brooklyn 99, which made me cry and feels like I’m bragging. I thought of myself as unempathetic, impatient, and disorganized, so it was also difficult to accept. I also think of myself as really chill and relaxed, but alas, nobody around me does.
My therapist pointed out that only I get to see my inner thoughts, so I get a “sausage-getting-made” perspective of myself, whereas others get the finished product. It’s kind of the inverse of the fallacy (I cannot for the life of me search for the right combination of words to name this) where you attribute your own lateness to traffic or an unpredictable laundry issue or something out of your control, but when others are late, you think it’s because they dropped the ball.
I’m now realizing that this is maybe not actually breaking down the mask, but recognizing (and to a degree, appreciating) it. I do think there’s a difference between a mask and a normal politeness filter though, and I also think those people have seen behind my mask enough during meltdowns etc. to know who I am regardless.
Internal vs external locus of control!
Thank you for the hyperfocus rant.
That’s a good one. I think my categories are not the most succinct (but they work for me), and that would be partially covered by chillness, optimism, and bravery, but not entirely. I don’t know if I can observe the locus of control in coworkers especially well, but I’ll definitely be thinking about it on my next shift.
I think mine is external, but I also think there’s no point in doing anything if one thinks that, so I pretend it’s not. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it feels like: even if I can’t really make a difference in how things go, I have to try. If I don’t, it feels like surrendering to entropy, which is going to happen at some point (death), but I should at least put up a good fight first.
I mask fine sober but throw in a little weed and you’re getting a six hour lesson on black hole holography.
Pm me next time you are high, I want to listen.
In that case, what time are you coming over? I just got a new e-vape and you would fit right in at our party.
“Hang on a sec! I have a power point!”
Seems like you just need to find the right people then, because I’m certain that there are tons who would love to discuss that shit with you all night.
Never heard of black hole holography. What is that?
Black hole, son. Don’t you come.
I’m gonna come.
deleted by creator
How do I subscribe?
I think I would like to hear this six hour lesson, Radioactive Butthole.
Does it involve trains in any way, shape or form?
You know it really bothers me that Train obsession is such a hallmark trait of Autism because I was (and still am a little bit) completely obsessed with trains. I had a model train layout, I had train wallpaper, I asked for train things for my birthday, all I ever talked about was all train all the time and not one single adult was ever like “hey maybe this kid who is struggling in school and has no friends and is obsessed with trains is a bit on the spectrum?”.
I turned out more or less fine but I often wonder how much pain and suffering could have been avoided, or at least contextualized, if even one adult in my life was like, “hey wait this isn’t normal for a 10 year old”.
Trains are fuckin awesome man, and I don’t know why, but goddamn do I love watching them, and hearing them and riding them.
Edit: also I am down for your dissertation on black holes, but I get to talk at you about terrible music and all the production with WAT too much enthusiasm.
Anyone who wants this kind of combo should read Peter Hamilton’s Commonwealth Saga (Pandora’s Star and Judas Unchained). Literally a society built around a train network connected with wormholes between planets.
I want to hang out with you.
But I’d rather be sober so I can take notes
I just talk to them like I talk with my cats, albeit with a few fewer queries about if they’ve been cleaning their ass.
For me it helps to get drunk
But then I have to spend several hours the next morning certain that everyone I know thinks I’m tiresome or a bad person and unable to even reach out to get confirmation that that’s not the case. With a headache.
RSD, executive dysfunction, and an inability to read the room while drunk go brrrr
Gotta have friends equally weirdos
Oh, this perception has never been based on reality in any way, but each time my brain says that this time I’ve finally done it. My weirdo friends are lovely and value me as a friend, but I always think it’s only a matter of time until I finally drive them off with my wretchedness, when I drank the night before.
Normally I’m not the most confident person ever, but I’m relatively self-assured and secure in my friendships. Luckily, I don’t get drunk often.
I’m arguably more masked when drunk because drunk me knows that I say enough stupid shit even when Im sober so drunk me just decides not to talk.
Same. Though I’m mute under my mask so it’s a mixed bag.