My ADHD has had quite a negative impact on my relationship and even though I have started treatment ~ 6 months ago it’s still a struggle.
One major issue that keeps coming up is the following scenario: My partner tells me about something that really bothers them / makes them angry. I immediately get uncomfortable and defensive and try to explain / find excuses for why I did this thing. In the course of this, I often contradict myself or jump from one excuse to the next. Or sometimes I downplay the thing by trying to explain it away, that is was only something small and therefore I didn’t notice it. Only after a while do I realised that I’m once again repeating this pattern.
My partner then, understandably, gets even more upset because they feel like they can’t express their anger or tell me about things that bother them because they feel like I’m gaslighting them and punishing them for express my feeling.
I have ADHD and I’m aware that this brings many personal issues with it, but I don’t want to blame everything on my ADHD and I’m wondering if I’m just toxic, if for some reason I have internalised a really toxic behaviour that has nothing to do with ADHD.
Explaining your motives and actions isn’t toxicity.
Overdefensive stanse? It means you understand that you fucked up but search for excuses. That’s stupidity. Fight with that. But defending yourself against illogical pretensions is totally ok.
The thing is just, they aren’t illogical pretension. And my explanations are very often just excuses. Like “I didn’t have time for it” when I definitely did have time, I just forgot.
Start with stop lying. Forgot? Just say that. It happens. Not a big deal. But if it IS for some reason(medicine or something very limited), then you can write it down or something.