My ADHD has had quite a negative impact on my relationship and even though I have started treatment ~ 6 months ago it’s still a struggle.

One major issue that keeps coming up is the following scenario: My partner tells me about something that really bothers them / makes them angry. I immediately get uncomfortable and defensive and try to explain / find excuses for why I did this thing. In the course of this, I often contradict myself or jump from one excuse to the next. Or sometimes I downplay the thing by trying to explain it away, that is was only something small and therefore I didn’t notice it. Only after a while do I realised that I’m once again repeating this pattern.

My partner then, understandably, gets even more upset because they feel like they can’t express their anger or tell me about things that bother them because they feel like I’m gaslighting them and punishing them for express my feeling.

I have ADHD and I’m aware that this brings many personal issues with it, but I don’t want to blame everything on my ADHD and I’m wondering if I’m just toxic, if for some reason I have internalised a really toxic behaviour that has nothing to do with ADHD.

  • Ananääs@sopuli.xyzEnglish
    3·
    1 day ago

    Feels, I struggle with the same issue as well. I suppose for me at least it’s the shame I’ve built up over the years for being different/“wrong” all the time and the low self-esteem and fear of rejection it has caused as well as general lack of security in relationships. One ends up expecting anger and rejection from others so of course it tries to avoid being confronted/blamed and instead reason/explain the situation away. Or shift blame. Being on spectrum can make us impulsive and dramatic so being reasonable and taking a step back is difficult when there already is a conflict. It does help me to realize that being AuDHD has a big impact on how I handle (or don’t) conflicts and having this explanation helps me tackle the shame and communicate the reasons for my shittyness to my partner, and change my behavior step by step where needed. It takes a lot of trust though and a shared interest on improving the relationship.