My ADHD has had quite a negative impact on my relationship and even though I have started treatment ~ 6 months ago it’s still a struggle.
One major issue that keeps coming up is the following scenario: My partner tells me about something that really bothers them / makes them angry. I immediately get uncomfortable and defensive and try to explain / find excuses for why I did this thing. In the course of this, I often contradict myself or jump from one excuse to the next. Or sometimes I downplay the thing by trying to explain it away, that is was only something small and therefore I didn’t notice it. Only after a while do I realised that I’m once again repeating this pattern.
My partner then, understandably, gets even more upset because they feel like they can’t express their anger or tell me about things that bother them because they feel like I’m gaslighting them and punishing them for express my feeling.
I have ADHD and I’m aware that this brings many personal issues with it, but I don’t want to blame everything on my ADHD and I’m wondering if I’m just toxic, if for some reason I have internalised a really toxic behaviour that has nothing to do with ADHD.
Sounds like you’ve just always gotten away with excuses instead of learning to admit you fucked up and owning it. Has nothing to do with ADHD and has more to do with showing personal responsibility.
Instead of becoming defensive, learn to admit you fucked up and leave it at that. Apologize for fucking up, and ask for some help remembering if you’re forgetting. Your partner is doing the right thing by communicating with you, and you need to do the right thing by admitting when you’ve fucked up, apologizing, and trying to fix it.