So for those of you unaware, last night someone claiming to be a long-time poster confessed to being in a sexual + romantic relationship with what turned out to be a minor 15 years his junior. (Here is the post for additional context.) Several people - myself included - failed to immediately condemn the relationship and in fact sympathized with OP and put blame on the kid for lying to and manipulating OP (who claimed to be unaware of the kid’s actual age until the cops told him), completely ignoring the fact that a 15-year-old cannot consent to such a relationship. Even if he jumps through a bunch of hoops to illegally get into a kink space and fabricates an of-majority-age persona in order to get with a much older man. In my own case, I believe that my own perception of the situation - not helped by OP’s way of telling the story - was warped such that the sexual side of the relationship was sidelined in favor of the more emotional side, as well as having an incorrect perception of consent as it pertains to teenagers going in. Either way, I admit that my gut reaction was wrong both legally and probably morally, and that I clearly have much to learn about consent and sexual laws and norms (from harassment to rape.)
My recommendation to the mod team would be to permaban all people whose first reaction was to side with OP (yes, including me), and have a stern discussion with the site about the gravity and absoluteness of consent, especially with respect to children and teenagers (to cover the rest of your asses.) Advice on further steps to be taken would also be appreciated.
Shout-out to u/BeamBrain for shaming me and setting me straight. I hope the few others who sided with OP have also come to realize the error of their ways.
All I have to add to this is that while my gut instinct is also to feel sympathy in situations like this, I have a very hard time feeling sympathy for a 30+ year old who thought they were “only” banging an 18 year old. I spent some time hanging out with an 18 year old stranger not long ago and I had fun but they definitely hit my “child” radar and I’m only 24. Would never have considered climbing into bed with them. If a friend around my age told me they recently had sex with an 18 year old my first response would be along the lines of, “yikes, are you sure about that?” If I were ever considering banging someone who could plausibly be a teenager, even if they said they were 20+, I’d be very cautious about it. Like, legitimately no joke show me your fuckin ID sort of territory.
Yeah, while I feel a fair amount of sympathy, it’s absolutely the responsibility of the older party in situations where it’s even remotely plausible the person is under 18. You should adopt the bottleo rule “If you look under 25 you’re getting carded” (Age of drinking is 18 here). Dude fucked up bad and it is his fault. You’re an adult, do the adult thing. And the adult thing is to make sure you don’t get into shitty situations like this.
Even then, if you’re over 25, having a relationship with anyone who hasn’t gotten a bachelor’s degree (or worked for an equivalent time) is a little sus. I’m not gonna disallow it because there are shitty social consequences from going too far with that, but it is a red flag that needs a whole heap of green flags to overcome.