Does anyone else feel a degree of imposter syndrome with work, like it’s only matter of time until you can’t work around your ADHD enough to avoid problems and everything falls apart?
I’m currently provisionally diagnosed with ADHD, pending further testing. I managed to get a degree and was working for a few years when someone recommended I get tested where I proceeded to finally pass this one test with flying colors…
My experience with work is that in the beginning, my attitude and enthusiasm to learn tends to give my bosses the impression that I have so much potential.
Then, cue the slow car crash that is me failing to meet that potential, then the cracks starting to show due to disorganisstion or task paralysis in my work, eventually putting me in a position where my competency is questioned and I’m falling behind on work because I’m struggling to meet (imo) great expectations that might seem realistic to neurotypical people, but is a struggle for me.
Then I jump ship to a new job, and the cycle restarts.
I thought I had a handle on my latest job. Stayed for just over a year. I thought this was it, I wasn’t an imposter, I was finally fitting in. Then cracks, and everything fell apart and I’m now at risk of losing my job again. I tried my best, and I just feel disappointed in myself, like even I can’t trust myself to do things right even at max effort.
This sucks.
On hindsight, I do feel a bit silly about being so upset over a job. I left my previous because the workload escalated to too much, but in the current I was trying to stay, but I’ve made mistakes that have impacted business, according to my boss. I really liked the culture, but I think the writing is on the wall now.
In my performance management document, it was just hard to read about the “obvious lack of care” and “lack of proactivity and initiative”. I feel like I’m always struggling to keep my work in a row, to where I’m just tired and don’t have the energy to really ideate or something.
I’ve been started on some non-stimulants, but the psychiatrist said it might take a while to take effect. I’ll probably be more diligent on following up there as well to try and get myself together a bit more. I also do go to the gym about once a week.
It’s hard sometimes to see things not work out/fall apart, and the main common denominator is yourself.
It’s hard for us to not care about our jobs because we automatically invest so much in them emotionally, and capitalism forces our employment to be at the center of our lives constantly. If you started coding as a hobby and turned it into a career, that also adds a layer of investment too. I had an awesome manager once that used to say “we’re not saving babies here”.
When I started a non-stim, it took a little while to be effective. You might have some slight side effects too, but they were fairly minor for me and didn’t last long. Just stick with the meds and make sure to take them consistently (and with food). The gym is great too. I just started going again officially myself (I workout at home and have a cardio regimen every week already) and it helps a ton. Boosts your endorphins and confidence instantly.
I always try to remind myself that if I’m not functioning well, no one is getting anything out of me. We have to focus on ourselves and everything else will eventually come with it.