Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?
you need to talk to your partner and go to counseling forthwith.
As a counselor, there’s very clearly some serious internalizing going on.
OP, you might want to start asking yourself questions like, “Why does it REALLY bother me so much?” No offense, seriously not attacking, but your post raises some concerning flags. Counselling may be a good recommendation, because it seems there’s more going on here than is being told.
As a counselor, of course YOU’LL recommend counseling. Which in this case is maybe a good idea, but also, it’s totally normal for spouses to have pet peeves with one another and it doesn’t necessarily indicate an issue in the relationship.
Source: married for 25 years
Nono, you got it wrong. They need to have counseling AND hopefully a divorce ASAP. OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.
Oh no, r/RelationshipAdvice has made its way to Lemmy
I’m pretty sure he’s being sarcastic and making fun of this behavior.
Does this mean we’ve hit critical mass now? ;)
Don’t forget to lawyer up
OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.
Well, it’s safe to recommend those to anybody. Also drink plenty of liquids, preferably water, and don’t forget to breath.
Now that we’re free from Reddit’s shackles we should up the ante, we need a new relationship ending mantra. Like “delete your hard drive, hire a mercenary squad, and hit the Instagram filters.”
Delete your search history, dig a grave, and hit the axe throwing range
This… doesn’t sound like something a counsellor would say.
kapow, you figured it out
I think it bothers me on a couple levels. 1- I feel he keeps me in unnecessary suspense and that’s unpleasant. 2- he participates in a lot of behaviours that are self satisfying. If I’m out he will call and ask what time I’ll be home and a thousand other questions no one else would ever ask, just because he was wondering, and he wanted those wonderings satisfied. It can’t wait until I get home, it must be the second he wonders about it. 3-he thinks I have the answers to all questions, and if I don’t know he expects I’ll be the one to find the answer instead of just googling it like a normal person.
I’m annoyed because it’s constant and habitual and anything that repeats that you find mildly annoying 5x a day for 15 years will inevitably become infuriating instead. Imagine if someone just poked you in the side 5x a day for 15 years. It doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t really affect your day. It’s just annoying and pointless. But after a while you’ll just snap and scream “why the fuck are you poking me ! Stop touching me!”
It’s like that.
Maybe ask him to switch it up? “Come check this out” for something interesting, “Come here” for something he needs help with (broken glass, for example), and “I need you, now” for emergencies.
As far as the “wondering” questions go it seems like part curiosity, part control. My dad used to do it to my mom sometimes (he has super early signs of dementia), but my mom shut it down with: she’s her own person and she’s not going to stop living her life and reporting to him when he gets anxious that she’s not home. It may sound cruel but he’s also not calling/texting randomly when one of her church meetings goes longer than expected. This one is more like setting boundaries for when you want to be autonomous without having to worry about answering him immediately.
Side note: I’m just a musician, not a therapist, so take what I say as you will.
I’d add a fourth one: when you’ve told him how it makes you feel (and requested he respect you and your time), he’s doubled-down on the disrespect. His shrug just shrugs off all your feelings you were open/vulnerable enough to share like they don’t matter. That’s not okay in a partnership of equals.
The other patterns you mention (like making you fumble through a new game after a long day and calling you a million times to ask minor questions) are the same thing — the initial thing was disrespectful, so you explained that to him, but he hasn’t chosen to see that as a reason to change. That’s a massive red flag.
Also, the weaponized ignorance (ie the refusal to spend the two minutes it would take to figure it out on his own) is another part of the very common pattern happening right now between very many couples. The women are waking up to just how unhealthy their dynamic is with their husbands. In the stories that make it to the internet the men don’t usually change — sometimes a huge life adjustment can shake him out of it but only if he reacts with empathy. Good luck. This is difficult. And you’re not alone.
Come on, it’s obvious why it bothers them so much. As it should, that’s extremely annoying. If the partner wants to show something, they can come over to you, not call you.
Not OP here, what do I do if this is my mother?
Talk to your mother and go to counseling, or don’t talk to your mother and go to counseling
LOL wish I knew, because my mom makes this look silly. it would take three novels to explain. I went down to visit recently, and my sister and aunt were there, bless them, lovely people. Best advice I got is look out for those you care about. If you’re the only one left, then focus on you.
Had the same problem with my mum and she did not take my complaints serious in the slightest. Especially with the pandemic, she got so used to just calling me whenever.
I’m not fully convinced this couldn’t be solved in a less nuclear way, especially if you don’t have my mum, but I ended up resolving that issue, along with many others, by moving out.
Depends roughly on how old you are. Take these age ranges with a grain of salt, but:
If you’re young, as in college age or younger, and still living under her roof, pick your battles but chances are excellent you’ll get up at least some of the time just to preserve the free or discounted rent situation.
If you’re between college age and retirement age, you’ll either work it out with her as a mostly-equal adult OR you’ll go fully passive-aggressive, sit-on-my-ass, you-come-to-me – until you move the fuck out. (Why are you still there, anyway? Setbacks are one thing, but if it looks like a forever thing, take a moment and reconsider your life choices.)
If you’re over retirement age, you’ll hop up like Almighty God herself was calling you, because now your mom is very old and very frail and very forgetful, and you REALLY don’t want to have the cops calling you because they just found her wandering around the intersection in front of the Walmart a couple miles down the road, so you hop off your ass NOW if you even think you hear her call out.
Talk to them and go to counselling if it can’t be solved with a chat
Then you should divorce immediately
“Hey hubby, I’m not sure why, but when you say “Hey come here” to me, I feel really stressed as I’m walking to you not knowing whether it’s a good ‘come here’ or a bad ‘come here’. Can we workshop a way to communicate that doesn’t feel so stressful to me? Could you say something like “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.”?”
Tell him what you are feeling until he understands and wants to help you feel less stressed. Another option is to ask while you are walking, something simple like “good or bad?”
This is good. I’m going to try this.
I hope it helps!
Over dinner with friends, they were sharing their own “communication pacts”. My one friend said they had a “No gaslighting” rule where if something even sounds like a potential gaslight, they call it out and squash it.
My wife and I have a few rules. A “No surprises” rule would resolve this issue. “Come here” is vague, which can be surprising. I’d enforce that rule.
We review these couple rules every year or two. Been married for 15 years.
I think I get it, and maybe I’m wrong but it could be that you find it annoying because you don’t know how to set up boundaries.
Basically if someone tells me to come here without telling me what’s all about, and I don’t want to go all the way there- I don’t go. I just yell back at them, “what is it?” Until they tell me. If they don’t, I don’t go. If they insist, I can explain I’m either busy or don’t feel like moving my lazy arse for something I don’t know what is it about.
It took me a while to realize how fundamentally important boundaries were to my mental health and well being. It’s super simple, so its often overlooked. It solves many many issues.
This is a good point. I try to set boundaries and unfortunately he’s committed to the “big reveal”. I know he’s one of those people who likes to “share” life. If he sees something fascinating, he wants me to experience the same fascination so it’s like a surprise. If it’s bad he wants me to feel the same horror he felt when he saw it. Warning me would negate the reveal. We have talked about it frequently and he doesn’t know why he does it, he understands how it could be stressful for me, but can’t seem to break his pattern.
At some point it becomes a question of whether or not he’s willing to change his behavior to make you feel better. Some sort of empathy/kindness thing. Even if he didn’t understand why it frustrates you, an empathetic person would change their behavior since it doesn’t inconvenience them all too much to, for instance, send a picture of the thing via text messaging to you.
Another thing to consider: Is the happiness he gains from “sharing” life greater than the frustration you gain from walking all the way over to see whatever it is?
I like some of the other suggestions better than this but if you’ve already tried communicating about it and other things haven’t worked, I wonder if for some cases you could convince him to take a video or a picture. Like, if it’s a cool thing he wants you to see instead of interrupting you record it and share it when you’re available instead of right now, interrupting you. Again, I think the other proposals are better but I wonder… if you’re right about the motivation at least sometimes being just wanting to share something it might be worth attempting.
When I was growing up, my mom would do this all the time. My approach was mostly the same, she would shout, “Come here!” and I would request a reason. Most of the time she said she needed help and it would turn out to be nothing.
As I got older, I realized she was actually trying to connect with me because I was distancing myself. I don’t know if this is also what’s going on with OP and partner, and I won’t assume that’s the case. Sometimes people don’t know how to properly vocalize when they’re lonely and want to spend time with you.
This. Learn to set boundaries for something that stresses you out
Yupp fully on board with this one - set solid boundaries
“Hey, [husband], it really bothers me when you just say come here, because it makes me feel X and Y. Can you not do this anymore please? Instead, if you want to show me something say something like Z.”
People are not mind readers. Talk to eachother.
Communication can solve SO many problems in relationships. It’s critical.
You’re not alone. My wife does this all the time, usually by text, which is even more annoying since we’re always within earshot of each other.
I think it bothers you (and me) because it’s akin to someone ringing a bell for their servant. It doesn’t value your time at all to simply call you over with no context.
Once in a while? Fine. Always? That’s just being disrespectful.
I’ve simply resorted to “what is it?”, “I’m busy right now” or “I’ll come later”, and that usually ends up with a “never mind”, so I know it was never something important enough to stop what I was doing.
If your wife is using text instead of talking to you, I would consider that a sign of respect. At least this is why I text people I could just as easily talk to.
Texting is inherently asynchronous. Your wife is telling you, “This isn’t urgent. Read it whenever you get the chance.” If you’re in the middle of something, texting is less obtrusive than if they just started talking with you out of nowhere.
This is just my personal interpretation. Only you can decide if it makes sense in the context of your relationship.
If your wife is using text instead of talking to you, I would consider that a sign of respect.
Nah, she’s just super lazy. LOL
She knows I’ll be working, but I have to “come here” because “Can you bring up my water?”… literally just ask me to bring up water and save me two trips and 15 minutes to get back into what I was doing!
It’s a habit that needs to be deprogrammed.
That’s an assertion of dominance. I would hate it.
I’m sorry if this comes off harsh, I think your response requires this question. Is your wife a computer or a person? She has her own set of feelings, thoughts, and needs that she could find difficult to communicate with you for some reason. You need to be certain you’re properly respecting the person you are in a committed relationship, that includes making sure she can properly communicate what she needs with you without feeling like an inconvenience or a chore.
I say all this because I’ve been there, I’ve treated people in my life like they were inconveniencing me and ultimately it ruined relationships. It’s not fun on the other end of that.
that includes making sure she can properly communicate what she needs with you without feeling like an inconvenience or a chore.
I didn’t come here to be reminded I feel this way. I just came for the memes.
For someone outside your home, I would agree with this. But for someone in the house, especially within earshot, I feel it’s the exact opposite. Just talk to me, use your words, and tell me what you want.
People being antisocial toward their own spouse getting up voted is a troubling sign.
Lemmy is deep internet, we all have issues.
Because, unless it is an emergency, the “come here” person expects you to drop whatever you are doing and immediately switch your attention to what they are doing. If it is only “come here” then they provide, like you say, no information as to how important it is or if you even care about it. They may not intend it but it feels like a lack of respect that their time is more important than yours.
As someone who’s been dealing with OPs exact scenario with a family member for 20+ years, I can 100% say that this is the only correct answer.
What started 10 years ago with me asking nicely to drop that habit because it feels like a disrespect of my time, has over the years turned into major conflicts. I can get behind somebody calling me with a simple “come here” to get my attention, but as soon as I ask “what for?” and they go out of their way to make the reason a secret by repeating “just come here” over and over, it’s stops being a bad habit and quickly turns into straight up malice. Especially after being repeatedly told that it’s something that I value for them not to do.
I’ve adjusted my behavior far more for people that I like a lot less, just to adhere to their comfort. If a coworker asks me not to stack boxes too high because she has trouble reaching them, I will. Even though their respect or friendship means a lot less to me than a family members or friends, I will go through this minor trouble because it’s just common courtesy.
But for some reason, the request of giving one sentence of context for a call down two flights of stairs from a loved one, is impossible to fulfill.Since my situation has been going on for so long, I’ve naturally started looking into this behavioral issue and sought out other people experiences with similar things.
Simply put, it’s a form of narcissism.
I’ve started noticing other typical narcissistic patterns with that person too. Like for example on multiple occasions I’ve been busy with something else in another room and hear somebody dropping and breaking a plate, suddenly this person rushes to me and asks me why I made them drop the plate, because their brain is incapabile to recognize their own wrong doing. This isn’t even the most extreme example, just the most common one.In short, if this is something that has been going on for a long time and your requests have been ignored, that person has most likely a mental condition. This is not normal adult behavior. If you’re tethered to this person you can read up on how to deal with them or ask some experts. But just know, that getting them to change is fighting for a lost cause.
I’m going to guess that it doesn’t occur to him that when someone demands your attention like that, you imagine the worst. It might help him to know that.
I’m like you in that regard. I got used to asking back “Is there a problem?” That seemed to help me feel less stress sooner.
Maybe the combination of these two things would help.
Good luck.
Solid advice
Imagine not talking to your partner about this and instead posting online
It’s called nostupidquestions for a reason, my friend and judgment like yours prevents other people’s growth, however late that maybe.
Imagine coming online to ask people if a thing is normal or not and getting shit on instead
No, that’s annoying. If he’s a reasonable sort he’d be willing to recognize that too. However, fixing this kind of simple, ingrained-from-childhood habit is a pretty epic amount of effort, and I can all but guarantee he’s mentally weighing whether the effort (probably weeks to months of it) will be overall less annoying than whatever the bad habit is costing you.
Also worthy of note that he’s probably going to severely underestimate how much it actually does cost you, because it’s not necessarily strictly logical, it’s a conditioned response that built up over time.
Worth having a serious chat about imo.
We have talked about it a lot. He recognizes it’s a weird behaviour but he can’t break the habit, so the childhood thought tracks. And I also think you’re right about the effort bit. He’s lazy by nature. If something needs doing and he doesn’t know how, he just shrugs and says “I don’t know how”. But when you’re a couple, and something needs to be done, anything shrugged off by #1 becomes the responsibility of #2. Which means instead of him having to learn it, I have to. Just google it dude. Watch a youtube video, like I’m going to when you wash your hands of it. It’s easier for me to learn something new than it is for him to learn something new which is bollocks. The only reason it’s easier is because it’s not his effort. Somehow in his mind learning something new is too hard on his part, but takes zero effort on mine. Like, what?
To be fair, they don’t really cover bad habit-breaking in high school. College either sometimes, depending on course of study. They probably do in the military, but most people don’t enlist.
The information is out there though, perhaps you could find him a useful reference material that isn’t too long and covers a basic, evidence-based technique.
Ah, a bit of the ol’ weaponized incompetence.
So I’m your husband and my wife is you. I can tell you the reason I do it is that it can be difficult for me to necessarily formulate exactly what I want to say about what I want to show you. I want to share whatever experience it is, but trying to explain exactly why stresses me out.
On the flip side my wife will just tell me what she saw after the fact and I’m left there thinking “…why didn’t you tell me to come look.”
My problem is with ADHD. Sometimes, I can explain perfectly.
Other times, the words are there, but the brain is processing too much; too fast. So ‘come here’ or ‘look at this’ is the best I can muster.
I know the words and phrases to describe it, but it’s clogged up. So my brain reverts to: Why many word?
Sounds like the only solution is to go slow the other person what your talking about, if able.
I sorry, in what world should
“Hey, come look, theres a funny picture I want to show you.”,
“I’m going to need your help in the garden for the next 2 hours.”,
“I think the sink is clogged, the water doesn’t go down.”
be communicated in the same way, by saying “come here”?Lacking communication skills are absolutely no excuse. If you can’t exite someone and still give them information then work on your delivery, watch some stand up or read novels, there are enough examples how to build tension with plain sight. Communication is the most important aspect in life, and you can’t improve yourself for your loved one, getoutahere.
This is a pet peeve of mine as well.
Long ago I noticed that on Star Trek, nobody wanted to tell the captain what was going on over the comms, they wanted the captain to stop what they were doing and go to a different part of the ship / station. I always eyerolled at the absurdity of the staff having so little respect for the captain’s time.
Then it started happening to me. I’m not a captain, my time isn’t that important, but have a little respect for what I’m currently engaged in? maybe?
Realizing we’re talking about an imaginary world here, but in some cases probably appropriate not to discuss sensitive matters when you don’t know who is within earshot of the communicator
Not only that but also some things require a demonstration and discussion. Why tie up bride wide comms for 30 mins while explaining something. Come here captain so we can discuss
Wanting your best friend to experience something like you did for the very first time is the sole reason he’s doing this. Sure, it can be annoying, but at least it’s coming from a place of love and a hope for a common connection. He’s not trying to inconvenience you, though he may be.
And it could be easily communicated with intent to share an experience just as much to explain what they saw. Laziness to communicate one thing doesn’t explain laziness to communicate another.
One thing about benign intent - it does not always matter.
One of the things about the female experience is that there are a lot higher instances of people treating you like a child or a dog. The more you are subjected to a disrespect the shorter your fuse between the incident and the emotional response. OP has stated that this is not her first time broaching the issue with her husband. Moreover women are constantly conditioned to ignore their own feelings because people’s actions “aren’t coming from a bad place” and told to “consider the feelings of the other party.” Less often are they given space to just lay out the unvarnished reasons being what they think about something and request solidarity and understanding without the moral filter of “well that’s not very nice!” applied.
The question was not "Why is he doing that? " the original question here was "why does this bother me?/ Am I alone in feeling this way about this thing? "What is actually being requested is a sounding board for her feelings, not a defense of the husband’s intent.
If she thought it came from a bad place she likely would not be trying to rationalize her own feelings to help meter her response or be trying to explain her needs more accurately.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted here. This is accurate with every word.
Sounds like you should take this up to him, and ask him yourself, having communication is really important, and remember, you could be doing something that also annoys him and he doesn’t say anything
Start putting limits. “No, I’m not going until you tell me what’s about.” Ignore any immediately subsequent invocation. Actions speak.
This. He can say “come here” all he likes. Doesn’t mean OP gets up and goes. That’s called “choice”.
Even saying “Not now, busy!” occasionally puts OP back in control.
Because when someone says “COME HERE” they’re making the statement that whatever you’re doing is pointless shit that can be dropped immediately.
I didn’t tolerate that with my parents, and I sure as shit wouldn’t tolerate it with a spouse. If you can’t be bothered to give me a reason to go there, don’t fucking tell me to go there.
“Hey, check this shit out!” - Fine. Implies it’s on my own time. “Could you come in here?” - Fine. A request can be denied. “Come here.” - I’m not your fucking dog.
True.
And I agree with you.
But there’s also plenty of room in the equation for a simple benign intent, so responding with hostility and assuming the worst also seems counterproductive.
So I agree that OP should issue some sort of a challenge response, but perhaps not go quite so directly to “I’m not your fucking dog”.
In this specific case, I feel like, “What is it?” is a perfectly acceptable and reasonable response, that puts the ball back in the other court to determine how the rest of the exchange will go and to shed light on the tone.
If you get a real answer, like “this cat on my phone is playing the piano” then you know it’s innocent and well intentioned and can respond more softly and/or circumvent the issue.
On the other hand, if you get a response that addresses the request in a way like, “just get over here” then yes, draw your line in the sand and have an argument about respect.
