I’m trans, came out just a couple of months ago. I don’t post about this on Lemmy very often (if at all), but it’s been a struggle. My dysphoria - in a nutshell, the incongruency between what I see in the mirror and what I want to look like as a woman - has had a profound effect on me. I’m pushing fifty, and I can honestly say transitioning is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day, but on the bad ones I feel as though I look like Quark in the DS9 episode “Profit and Lace.” I’ll tell myself all kinds of awful, self-hating transphobic things like “you’re just a man in a dress” or “ugh what is that thing” or “freak” or “you’ll never be a real woman.” What a repulsive thing to say to yourself, how terribly unkind. I have specific issues with my facial hair, which are being addressed, but things like that take time. It’s like I’m fighting a battle against my own body, something I think most people can’t easily relate to. It’s hard to be patient while living in this (emotionally) painful in-between state, not knowing if I’ll ever be happy with myself. If it weren’t for my incredibly supportive wife, I’m not sure where I’d be right now.

Yeah, today is a good day. For now, at least. I feel safe and comfortable posting this here, you guys have always been a supportive and accepting community and I’d like to say thank you for that. Maybe I should start posting in the blahaj instance rather than bombarding you guys with this. Anyway, I’m gonna sign off for a while, I got my hands full at work today and gotta focus. Thanks for letting me vent.

  • WndyLady@lemm.eeEnglish
    12·
    9 months ago

    Heya, friend. I identified strongly with your inner monologue, if not from the same cause. I’m peri menopausal. I hope it brings you a bit of comfort to hear that many other women are having the same thoughts and feelings.

    If I can share what’s helped me: I went back to a strategy I learned in my adolescent years… Sometimes confidence breeds confidence. I do my best to practice it until it becomes internalized and “exuded.”

    As you move through your journey, know some old lady in Baltimore is rooting for you.

    • Kelly Aster 🏳️‍⚧️@lemmy.worldOP
      4·
      9 months ago

      WndyLady, thank you for sharing. That was not something I was aware of. It does help to feel not alone, thank you so much for that. internet hug

      Sometimes confidence breeds confidence. I do my best to practice it until it becomes internalized and “exuded.”

      Thank you, this is good advice. Practice makes…permanent, right?