STOP INVENTING INTERGENERATIONAL DIFFERENCES!

Bridie, you’re a millennial – tell me about your socks

NO ONE GIVES A SHIT

Oh Gabs, you could ask me what beauty I saw in the world on this glorious blue sky morning, or how my relationship is with my mother, or what rage is in my heart. But no, everyone wants to talk about millennial socks.

WHO THE FUCK IS EVERYONE? IS THAT ODYSSEUS PLAYING A TRICK ON US BY PUTTING A TWIST ON HIS OLD PRANK?

I actually wear great socks. Heavily influenced by my little brother, I’ve worn Uniqlo crew socks for years. Which are actually “zoomer socks”. But I have loved ankle socks as well, and that is the foghorn that signals I’m a millennial, apparently.

SAYS FUCKING WHO THEYRE JUST FUCKING DOCKS SHUT THR FUCK UP

Wait, I’m just trying to wrap my head around the concept of “millennial socks” – which you now tell me are just ankle socks – and now you’ve introduced the concept of “zoomer socks”. Are they merely coloured crew socks or is there more to it?

THEGRE JUST FUCKIBG SOCJS HILY SHIT AASSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Millennial socks are small socks that stop at the ankle, or even the ones you can’t see at all above the shoe (I loved these!). Zoomer socks are generally crew socks – any sock pulled up high. They invented them (citation needed). Also, I think they’re actually called gen Z socks – my beloved zoomer colleagues are always telling me that only millennials say zoomer.

I LOVED THESE

“They invented them” CITATION FUCKING NEEDED

OK, so millennials love ankle socks – good to know. But why is Jennifer Lawrence being called “brave” by Vogue for stepping out in “millennial socks”?

SOMEONE PUT THE PEOPLE IN TEEN VOGUE IN CHARGW OF THE WHOLE BRAMD PLEASE FOR THE LIFE OF GOD

Ah, I think because one of the most tragic things you can be in some corners of the internet is a woman in her 30s dressing herself with no regard for a trend.

INCOHERENT SCREAMING

Oh no, what about a woman in her 40s?

LOUDER INCOHERENT SCREAMING

I don’t believe they exist.

INCOHERENT SOBBING

So, ahem, the long and short of it is that gen Z have pulled their socks up?

TF2 SOLDIER SCREAMING NOISE

Ha! They’ve also moved their hair part to the middle, millennials favour the side part. And they’re wearing enormous pants – skinny jeans are definitely out. Also high-waisted jeans are a millennial relic. Gen Z are wearing pants that hang off their hips.

SQUEALING PIG THAT SHAT ON ITS BALLS NOISES

Wait, I wore pants that hung off my hips!

I CANT TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS FUCKING MONOLOGUE TONGUE-IN-CHEEK

Ssshh, ssshhhh. This is the first time in history that any of this is cool. And it will stay cool for ever. There definitely won’t be articles in 10 years calling a 35-year-old zoomer “brave” for wearing crew socks.

PLEASE LET ME BE MOULDERING IN A GRAVE BEFORE THIS HAPPENS

With temperatures hovering around 0C this week, leaving ankles across pre-Y2K generations practically frostbitten, I have been wearing crew socks instead of ankle socks. This Xennial is accidentally cool now.

Fucking amateur, just-freezing is great weather to be wearing summer clothes in.