You know how there are people that are born because their parents condom failed, or got drunk and had unprotected sex, or was born because of SA, or otherwise “weren’t supposed to be born”?
Well, that’s basically me, but its not the usual scenario. I was the second child born during the infamous One Child Policy, and I just keep thinking: what if the government had it their way and managed to terminate me while in gestation?
I know it was a long time ago and I should stop thinking about it. But I kinda, sort of, in a way, feel like those kids that are born “by accident”, as in: not meant to exist, “outside of God’s plan” (figuratively speaking, I’m not religious). I talked to my mother about it, but then she was just dismissive of these thoughts and doesn’t understand what an existential crisis is.
And it especially hurts when sometimes my mother told me she regretted making that decision violate policy to have me because I wasn’t being obiedient enough. Some filial piety bs.
What the fuck is my life? The world is collapsing, revolts and civil unrest everywhere, everything seems so surreal.
Edit: And also its like 1:45 AM here, sleep schedule is fucked lol
Instead of nihilism, which says there is no meaning, why not think about positive nihilism, where there is no meaning except for the meaning you create. It offers you an opportunity to define what’s important and gives you permission to create your own joy and happiness.
First of all, she’s a bad mother if she regrets having you because you were “not obedient enough.”
Regarding your main topic of this post: There are a lot of things that happen “by accident” every day, both good and bad. Sometimes a baby doesn’t survive the pregancy because of an accident outside the mothers control. Should the baby have existed, same as the condom that broke should have not produced one? My point is, there is always two sides to an accident.
Personally, it makes no sense dwelling in the what-if, simply because it didn’t happen, and you could not change it if you wanted. However, you can take it as inspiration going forward, and change your future decisions. Maybe you weren’t planning on a child, but this experience influenced you and you decide to no longer make it an accident.
I tend to go with tolerating existence out of a morbid sense of curiosity.
I am literally an accident.
Over here in idiot, white trash, just barely lucked out enough to be raised in a house instead of a trailer park, beautiful glorious and perfect and GOD FEARING… USA.
I am the reason my parents got married while my mother was approximately 5 months pregnant, why my parents spent the vast majority of my life lying to me and others about when their actual anniversiary date is…
All you have to do is compare it to my birth date.
… I am not angry or disappointed that I exist.
I am not angry or disappointed that I am an accident.
… I am angry and disappointed that my parents are lying hypocrites, who persisted in this lie (amongst many others) for nearly 30 years, I am angry that they suddenly got religion when neither of them are from very religious families and decided to become religious extremists, pretend they always were, and raise me in that way, to overcompensate for their own shame which I literally embody.
Cruel as this may sound: At least your mother was/is honest in her callousness, as opposed to a lying coward like mine.
… I cannot believe I am going to this quote, but I really do honestly find it compelling.
From the first Pokemon movie, Mewtwo:
I see now that the circumstances of one’s birth is irrelevent, it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.
What is life?
Life is the meaning and connections and knowledge and wisdom and experiences you construct out of the chaos around you.
Nothing guarantees you will succeed at anything or find joy or purpose or love.
… But nothing guarantees those things are all impossible, either.
It’s natural to feel this way sometimes, especially when things are getting rocky around the world.
I feel like we often place the emphasis on the ‘why’ of ourselves, when the truth of things is the world is often chaotic and without particular intent.
It’s a bit of a mindset shift, but if you find yourself engulfed with the prospect of needing purpose or justification to the point of debilitation, it might be time to start leaning into the idea that while you can give yourself meaning, nobody really has intrinsic purpose. None of us consented to existence before it was asserted onto us, nobody was born with a script.
Regarding what your mother said, that’s really rough, and it’s only natural that you might feel some existential weirdness from it. I don’t know her, so I can’t really put what she said into context or understand, much less lessen that blow. Regardless, her opinion of you doesn’t determine your right or reason to exist, or what you do with yourself from here. I know just saying it doesn’t magically reprogram your brain, but given time you can readjust how you think about your existence. It’ll take a bit of practice and positive thinking, but you might start to see results sooner than you might think.
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