I’ve fucked this up a few times and snapped at my kids for things that it isn’t reasonable to expect of them. It’s really hard when they show maturity beyond their age and developmental level in some aspects because you can almost forget they aren’t fully developed and so the behavior can feel intentional. Like you get this flash of thinking, “I know the kid knows this is wrong,” and if you aren’t mindful in that moment, you can handle it wrong.
I have always made sure to calm myself down and then go talk to them about it. I apologize for losing my temper and, with an emphasis on how what I did was NOT ok, explain what I was feeling and why it made me react inappropriately. I’m pretty big on making them understand that adults are fallable and make mistakes, too.
We are taking the same approach and every word you said landed with me, matched my experience.
I’ll add that this is a VERY different strategy from the approaches taken by both my partner’s and my parents.
It’s not easy, but I think we’re raising better humans than ourselves. On days when it’s exhausting and you’re burned out and you feel like you can’t do it, cling to that.
100% agree. My childhood is a haze of physical and psychological abuse… not just between the parents and kids but between the adults as well. If I’m proud of anything, it’s the success I’ve had breaking that cycle. I slip up sometimes, but I can honestly say I’ve never called either of my kids hurtful names or laid a hand on them in anger.
When I was a kid I was always praised for being mature beyond my age.
Really what I was, was beaten down, defeated, paranoid … and therefore quiet and non-aggressive.
If a kid’s “maturity” consists of being quieter than the other kids, or perhaps of seeking out the company of adults rather than other kids, it’s possible that’s not maturity but rather a mask he’s wearing to avoid being attacked.
That mirrors my own childhood as well. It’s actually things like like standing up when I wouldn’t have expected it. As an example, I’ve overheard my preteen chastising her friends for talking about someone behind their back. Another example is our 2nd grader bringing home an assignment the other day where she was supposed to write what she wanted to be when she grew up, and her answer was “kind.”
Like holy shit kid… they’re both miles ahead of where I was at their ages around topics of justice and the skills it takes to maintain social cohesion, and they’re so much braver than I was and willing to use their social capital to stick up for people that can’t themselves. Then they’ll come home and get in a fight with each other over a spot on the couch or something insignificant like that.
Kids are supposed to be selfish assholes. They’re supposed to push boundaries and test people, and fight with other kids and learn respect the hard way (which is a lot easier kid v kid than it is adult v adult).
That’s the correct time and place to get that all out of one’s system: childhood.
I’ve fucked this up a few times and snapped at my kids for things that it isn’t reasonable to expect of them. It’s really hard when they show maturity beyond their age and developmental level in some aspects because you can almost forget they aren’t fully developed and so the behavior can feel intentional. Like you get this flash of thinking, “I know the kid knows this is wrong,” and if you aren’t mindful in that moment, you can handle it wrong.
I have always made sure to calm myself down and then go talk to them about it. I apologize for losing my temper and, with an emphasis on how what I did was NOT ok, explain what I was feeling and why it made me react inappropriately. I’m pretty big on making them understand that adults are fallable and make mistakes, too.
I don’t know…it feels like it’s working well.
We are taking the same approach and every word you said landed with me, matched my experience.
I’ll add that this is a VERY different strategy from the approaches taken by both my partner’s and my parents.
It’s not easy, but I think we’re raising better humans than ourselves. On days when it’s exhausting and you’re burned out and you feel like you can’t do it, cling to that.
You’re doing great. It’s worth it. Keep it up! 💚
100% agree. My childhood is a haze of physical and psychological abuse… not just between the parents and kids but between the adults as well. If I’m proud of anything, it’s the success I’ve had breaking that cycle. I slip up sometimes, but I can honestly say I’ve never called either of my kids hurtful names or laid a hand on them in anger.
When I was a kid I was always praised for being mature beyond my age.
Really what I was, was beaten down, defeated, paranoid … and therefore quiet and non-aggressive.
If a kid’s “maturity” consists of being quieter than the other kids, or perhaps of seeking out the company of adults rather than other kids, it’s possible that’s not maturity but rather a mask he’s wearing to avoid being attacked.
That mirrors my own childhood as well. It’s actually things like like standing up when I wouldn’t have expected it. As an example, I’ve overheard my preteen chastising her friends for talking about someone behind their back. Another example is our 2nd grader bringing home an assignment the other day where she was supposed to write what she wanted to be when she grew up, and her answer was “kind.”
Like holy shit kid… they’re both miles ahead of where I was at their ages around topics of justice and the skills it takes to maintain social cohesion, and they’re so much braver than I was and willing to use their social capital to stick up for people that can’t themselves. Then they’ll come home and get in a fight with each other over a spot on the couch or something insignificant like that.
Ugh… that explains me, so I’m hoping that my kid stays an immature, frustrating, loud, undefeated and happy child for a long time yet.
Kids are supposed to be selfish assholes. They’re supposed to push boundaries and test people, and fight with other kids and learn respect the hard way (which is a lot easier kid v kid than it is adult v adult).
That’s the correct time and place to get that all out of one’s system: childhood.
That sounds like a great approach. I don’t have kids and am still working on getting better that kind of reflection and communication.
That’s the approach I hope to take someday when I have kids. I’m glad to hear it seems to be working well.