Felipe’s Pizza Grotto

6th Level Conjuration

Casting Time: 1 action

Range: touch

Target: An empty dead end corridor in a dungeon or cave.

Components: V

Duration: Four hours or until everyone in the party is stuffed and can’t possibly eat another bite, or until it’s clear they aren’t going to order and the maitre d looses patience with them, or until the maitre d is destroyed or dispelled. Whichever comes first.

Classes: Wizard, Sorcerer

Carrying all those rations around in the dungeon is hard, plus good luck finding a safe, peaceful place to sit and eat them. Felipe’s Pizza Grotto can only be cast in an underground environment, in a “dead end”.

The stone walls in a 40ft by 40ft area shift and morph, becoming a pleasant dining establishment. The tantalizing smells of garlic, cheese, spiced meats and baking bread waft through the space. Small marble fountains, statues and potted plants appear, along with tasteful oil paintings on the walls. A counter appears, behind which is a fully stocked kitchen with a wood fired pizza oven, and a wine cabinet. A number of tables will appear, scattered around the space and stools will pop into existence in front of the counter. The whole space is lit with small glass oil lamps and candles. A stone wall with a stout wooden door appears, blocking off the passageway. A maitre d appears blocking the door, asking all who approach if they have a reservation. Any the caster designates will be allowed to enter, all others will be turned away (the maitre d has the stats of a Spectral Guardian).

If the caster and anyone accompanying them do not sit at a table on their own, the maitre d will attempt to show them to a table and will become agitated if they don’t cooperate. They will become hostile and berate any characters who have not taken a seat within 5 minutes of entering the grotto.

Once the characters sit down, a waiter will appear with menus, listing every delicacy you would expect to find in a high class restaurant of the sort that serves dishes involving bread, cheese, pasta and garlicky tomato sauce. However, the menu primarily features specialty and build your own pizzas and the waiter will look down their nose and act snooty toward anyone who orders anything else (appetizers, wine, dinner salad and desserts are all acceptable, I recommend the garlic knots and the minestrone soup personally). The waiter will not engage in combat and will disappear if attacked (however, this draws the ire of the maitre d, as does any other interference with the grotto’s operations).

Once all characters have placed orders, the various utensils behind the counter spring to life, acting as if wielded by invisible chefs. The pizza ovens flair to life, ingredients appear and are chopped by levitating knives. Dry pasta flies into pots of magically boiling water. Pizza dough hurls itself into the air and spins around, coming down in a classic, flat round shape, before levitating spoons begin ladling tomato sauce onto it and hovering cheese graters cover it in fresh mozzarella, Parmesan and provolone.

When the food is ready, the waiter will supervise a group of levitating delivery trays and serve it to the characters in the grotto. Each character will receive exactly what they ordered and the execution, preparation and presentation will be flawless, the finest chefs in all the land would find no fault with it.

As the characters are eating, both the waiter and the maitre d will repeatedly stop by their table to ask how their food is tasting and if they need anything else. The waiter will refill water and wine glasses and bread baskets. When everyone seems to be slowing down, the waiter will ask if anyone saved room for dessert and will recommend the cheese cake. Any complaints will be handled with a mix of professionalism and haughtiness worthy of food service professionals who KNOW their food is top notch, but also want their customers to leave satisfied.

If any character is lingering over their food or failing to eat it, the maitre d and the waiter will become agitated and start pestering them, asking if their meal is to their liking or they can get them anything else. If this goes on for too long, they will glare at the whole party impatiently, while unoccupied chairs levitate up and stack themselves on tables and hovering brooms start sweeping the floor. The fire in the pizza oven will go out, and the waiter will begin pointedly snuffing the candles and asking anyone lingering over their meal if they need a to-go box. Once the spell ends, the grotto vanishes and the cavern returns to normal. Food in to-go boxes persists, but is cold, disappointing and somehow less nourishing than when eaten in the grotto.

At the GMs option, characters leaving the grotto may be fatigued from the sheer amount of food they have consumed, and may be required to make constitution saves in order continue their exploration of the dungeon prior to resting.

Restore full health to target Mexican. If target isn’t Mexican, restore 75% max health and put target to sleep for 1 turn.

Life didn’t give us lemons. We bred those things from citrons and oranges and stole them from life.