So for those of you unaware, last night someone claiming to be a long-time poster confessed to being in a sexual + romantic relationship with what turned out to be a minor 15 years his junior. (Here is the post for additional context.) Several people - myself included - failed to immediately condemn the relationship and in fact sympathized with OP and put blame on the kid for lying to and manipulating OP (who claimed to be unaware of the kid’s actual age until the cops told him), completely ignoring the fact that a 15-year-old cannot consent to such a relationship. Even if he jumps through a bunch of hoops to illegally get into a kink space and fabricates an of-majority-age persona in order to get with a much older man. In my own case, I believe that my own perception of the situation - not helped by OP’s way of telling the story - was warped such that the sexual side of the relationship was sidelined in favor of the more emotional side, as well as having an incorrect perception of consent as it pertains to teenagers going in. Either way, I admit that my gut reaction was wrong both legally and probably morally, and that I clearly have much to learn about consent and sexual laws and norms (from harassment to rape.)
My recommendation to the mod team would be to permaban all people whose first reaction was to side with OP (yes, including me), and have a stern discussion with the site about the gravity and absoluteness of consent, especially with respect to children and teenagers (to cover the rest of your asses.) Advice on further steps to be taken would also be appreciated.
Shout-out to u/BeamBrain for shaming me and setting me straight. I hope the few others who sided with OP have also come to realize the error of their ways.
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The point was made that OP should have confirmed the kid’s identity before starting anything, especially given the age difference that was presented (i.e. even a “19-year-old” looking into a 31-year-old is… weird.) Also, OP gravitating towards the youngest member is a bit sus no matter how you look at it.
And in fact, my original opinion was that the kid shouldn’t have lied and misled OP, and that OP’s character was solid enough because they claimed to feel extremely icky and guilty once they learned the truth. In a case involving sex with a minor, however, that isn’t enough.
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I’d say a good rule of thumb is, if you want to have sex with some stranger, they should look old enough that you don’t need to verify their age.
That was my thinking, like the most socially acceptable way to handle that would probably be to discuss the so-called upcoming 19th birthday and poke for inconsistencies.
Either the kid jumped through all the hoops including fake ID and shit, or the moderators of the kink community really need to up their own due diligence. Probably both.
op never said what kind of community they met him in tho, hard to say if there were moderators at all. like if it was an organized party or event then yeah, the organizers should be more diligent. but if it was just like a Facebook group or something, there should not have been any expectation on op’s part that the boy was vetted.
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That’s kind of what my only contribution was investigating. I’m personally bad with faces and by extension clocking people’s ages, and the thought of this happening is extremely upsetting to me. That’s why I’d never engage in adult activities with any person I know to be under 24 or would clock as a day under 24 (as a 29 year old). In my mind OP’s big shortcoming here was not recognizing that weakness in themselves and having a similar policy in place. OP did a fair amount of due diligence, but clearly the consequence of not enough due diligence is so dire that there’s no choice but to just have a stricter no-go policy.
Yeah, “Is this person I’m considering sex with underage?” is one of those things where ten thousand false positives are preferable to one false negative.
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