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It’s the greatest essay I have ever seen, folks. *accordion hands*
accordion hands
Never in my life have I needed something so much, and never known until I received it
Oh wow
I’ve rewritten this comment 15 times, alternating between thanking you, describing the perfection that is this video, and pontificating about media and its modern incarnations. Anyway, sincerely, thank you for connecting me to this.
You can’t just say “perchance”.
Stompin turts
I’m not sure how anyone could get past the second line and not start reading it in Trump’s voice.
At this point I only hear impersonations of Trump; I read it and heard Shane Gillis as Trump.
I walked in here, I said: woooow whatta big room!
I had no idea. I was laughing so hard the whole way through and didn’t realize it was Trump until I got to the comments and laughed so much harder. 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🙂↔️🫠💀
I actually didn’t read the name first, but while reading it I thought, “this reads a lot like Trump.”
Transcriptions of Trump are often 200 word sentences muddled with em-dashes as new thoughts appear, sometimes eventually coming back to the original point and finally coming to rest with a period.
There is no point. He just repeats a topic sentence, randomly hurls insults or says things that scare him as a human fart, and then repeats the topic sentence again. People on the same mental level think it’s prophetic because mentally they aren’t equipped for thinking.
Folks, let me tell you, Goldilocks. Goldilocks is a fantastic story. Tremendous story, okay? She walks into the house, right? And there are three bears. Can you believe it? Three big, beautiful bears. She tries the porridge. First one, too hot. Way too hot. Who makes porridge that hot? Disastrous. Then the second one, too cold. Nobody likes cold porridge. It’s just wrong. But the third one, folks, it’s just right. Perfect. Tremendous porridge. The best. But you know, what Goldilocks did, breaking into that house? It’s a crime. But the media doesn’t talk about that. But you have to wonder, are those bears even here legally? We need to know who’s coming into our country. And that’s why we need our great police officers, they’re tremendous. They’re doing an incredible job. But the media, they don’t want to talk about that. They want to focus on negativity. So unfair. We’ve got to support our police, folks. They’re the ones keeping us safe from those rioters, from Antifa. Just terrible people, really. And what about our Second Amendment rights? The right to bear arms, folks. Very important. We have to protect that.
And let me tell you, if those three little piggies had been allowed to arm themselves, maybe they’d still be here today. Imagine that, I mean the first little pig builds his house out of straw. Not good. Devastating. The second pig, sticks. Better, but still not great. If they had proper protection, maybe the wolf wouldn’t have been such a problem. Just think about that. So, the third pig, he’s smart. Genius. He builds his house out of bricks. Solid bricks. Huge house. Tremendous. The wolf comes, and he huffs and puffs. But he can’t blow it down. Can’t do it. Just like the border. We need to build that wall. Keep out the bad guys, the criminals, the drugs. We can’t have them pouring into our country. Just can’t have it. And this pig, he stands up to the wolf. Defeats him. Wow. It’s symbolic, you know? It’s about migrants, so many. The wolf is the story, it’s the threats coming over our border. And we need to be like that third pig, building big strong defenses. Solid defenses. Making sure we’re protected. And the pigs, they all end up in the brick house, safe from the wolf. Wow, like we need to keep our country safe from all the threats out there. Tremendous story. The best. And we’ve got tremendous people.
Sorry, but that’s utterly unrealistic, it’s vaguely comprehensible, coherent and there is some logic to how the points link together.
You’re clearly an intelligent adult, and so I’m afraid that the only way you could hope to emulate the original is by giving yourself significant brain damage, moderate alcohol poisoning and a topic you know nothing about, then writing three different paragraphs, mixing the sentences together, removing random words and scattering in some arbitrary pauses. Please don’t though, both for your sake and the favt that we already have enough verbal diarrhea in the world.
Actual example:
Look, having nuclear — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you’re a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — nuclear is so powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? — but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us, this is horrible.
You owe me some fresh brain cells, many of mine spontaneously underwent apoptosis to avoid reading that. How does anyone, no matter how under his spell, hear or read that and not immediately assume he’s had a complete mental breakdown?
You want to know what’s really bad? He said that in 2016 and he was still elected.
Thanks for the notes, I found it was surprisingly difficult to emulate the style. The above was already after several rounds of nonsensification and I was thinking I had gone too far but on reflection should have gone further.
Take pride in the favt that even when you try, and think you’ve gone too far, your attempt is still so far above the word vomit he produces.
Entirely too coherent.
Needs more completely unrelated self-aggrandizement and nationalistic pandering.
He’s literally just a babbling old man, if he weren’t one of the most important political figures in the country, he’d have been quietly confined to a home for Ivanka to take over the brand after her brothers
fearing for their livesgraciously bowed out of any race to take over the org amidst dear father’s “sudden yet consensual retirement.”
The craziest part is he read this off a prompter
I’d like to see what was actually on that prompter.
Gettysburg, wow. (Improvise me boy. Remember, Robert E. Lee not in favor)
Imagine being his teleprompter controller and having to wiggle the text up and down in a vain attempt to get his attention back.
I thought the joke was that this was written by AI. But it’s worse.
People come up to me all the time and tell me how great my report on Gettysburg was. Great people. Best report they’ve ever seen. And they’ve seen a lot of reports. And they tell me mine was the best they’ve seen. But the crooked evil liberal teachers keep persecuting me and try to say my report wasn’t good. They try to give me an F, but I tell them it’s an A, because that’s what my papers get, because I’m the best student. Best student people have ever seen. Smart people see me and say that is the best student that has ever been. Make school great again!
what a great essay. a great essay.
i knew this student, very smart. i knew him and he said umbrella you- i am a real patriot (and there are real patriots) and he said umbrella- umbrella is the most upvoted user on lemmy. what i was told- they know you are much bigger than the second one by far. great. you are doing a great job.
Did Trump write this?
His name’s on it lol
What’s hilarious is that even if you didn’t notice the name on the paper (I didn’t) you still know immediately who this is mocking.
Didn’t see the name but recognized the style.
I didn’t notice the name, but I got about halfway in before I started to wonder why it sounded so familiar.
Yeah I didn’t realize it was a quote at first, but I knew exactly who it was supposed to be.
deleted by creator
LOL I definitely didn’t notice that first and went, “wow, did this kid really plagiarize Trump?” And then looked at the name… So sorta.
Haha it’s funny how annoyingly easy it is to tell a trump rambling
I’m pretty sure it is literally a transcription of a trump speech…
Edit: oh fuck, I just noticed the name on the paper is also Donald Trump… Lol I guess I “ate the onion”.
He said it verbatim at a rally. https://youtu.be/pq4xSuiueUc
trump speech writer
I wonder if he just blatantly ignores his teleprompter, or if he can’t read it as fast as it moves, so he misses most of it. Either way, it’s gotta be infuriating to have to write a good speech, get past some sort of review, just to have it totally butchered on stage.
The rumor I’ve seen is that Trump needs glasses but refuses to wear them in public so he struggles to read the teleprompter.
Or maybe he’s just illiterate?
Or maybe he’s just illiterate
The dumbest people in the room always think they’re the smartest.
Also it should be noted that trumps intel briefings were always dumbed down and explained. They were mostly maps and bullet points. Cuz he was a dumb fuck.
He gets pissed off when there’s something wrong with the teleprompter.
I didn’t see the name until the end. Bravo
I only saw if once you pointed it out. But I was going to comment that is what kids learn from Trump. Being a vague as possible, speaking without saying something.
I was about to write that it’s not funny when the child has an obvious and quite severe learning disability, then I read the comments and the name. Speechless.
To me it was the reverse. At first it was like haha the kid didn’t pay attention and is now trying to weasel out hoping the teacher won’t notice. Totally relatable. But then I looked up the name and the speech it’s referring to and… oh god… they’ve put an imbecile in charge of the most powerful country in the world, holy shit, that’s TERRIFYING.
A narcissistic imbecile, so it’s even worse than that.
This isn’t just a parody of his style, its just what he actually said: https://youtu.be/pq4xSuiueUc
it’s* just what
Love “never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill!”
I’m picturing Lee with a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder.
Robert E Lee x Mr. Krabs mashup
“Mr. Lee, why do you like slavery?”
“Money!”
I kinda want this to be a thing, like a SpongeBob special doing their own weird version of the American Civil War.
It’s over Ainakin, I have the uphill
I only got it at “no longer in favor”. That’s when it clicked. Before that it just read like a student who had to write a one page essay on a topic he knew nothing about and tried to fill the lines.
Looks to me like they knew exactly what to do with that student.
Straight to the presidency. Straight away
F is for felon
Definitely don’t make him a president
